The Quarter Finals came and went and we are here to round them up for you like Ji-Sung Park rounds up sheepdogs
Czech Republic vs. Portugal
The Czechs battled their way to the quarter finals and met the force that is Ronaldo, a man who is so confident in his own ability he not only enters the tournament on his own but he even leaves Bebe at home. It’s safe to say he has a slight ego, but really it’s justified. He even found the time to mockingly hit the post before he single-handedly won the match after crossing the ball to himself and then beautifully heading the ball past Special Ed. That’s how it happened in the camp Cristiano’s mind, but actually it turns out that some of his supporting cast aren’t too bad either, most notably Nani, Coentrao and Pepe but they are/were equally hindered by the ineptitude of Helder Postiga, once average now awful. The Portugeezers play the Spanish in the Semi’s and for the love of Cantona I hope I they win.
Spain vs. France
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…. What, where am I? Oh that’s right I’m reliving the bore-fest that is the Spanish campaign, but more precisely this match. Yes, we all know how wonderful Vicente Del Boysque has his team playing; they can simply pass the ball around for 20 minute spells going nowhere but still making people say “ooooooh aaaaaah” at the firework of football on display. The problem is there is no explosion at the end of this colossal firework. It flies up looking pretty and as it reaches its peak, it simply floats back down and then up again until Scarface or the little cun£ Samir hack down a Spaniard causing it to fizzle out. And then it starts again. The cockiness of fielding six in midfield and no striker is no less “anti-football” than the ogres at Stoke hoofing the ball around and mauling any opposing player who happens to touch it. On they go, passing the ball around between false 9’s false 10’s and imaginary wingers until they work a 2 yard pass into the back of the net. If they get there in less than 582 passes Del boy demands they work it back to Casillas and start again. They are the equivalent of a fella with a 2-foot penis standing 5 feet from the urinal and trying to deflect his p1ss in off the fluorescent light on the ceiling.
Safe to say I’ll be hoping Team Ronaldo can beat the odds and stay awake long enough to defeat the 11 man midfield of Spain.
England vs Italy
I should like to begin on a positive note, for the first time in 16 years England played with passion and pride they seemingly had a “team spirit” too. Sadly they also played with Glen Johnson, James Milner, Scott Parker & Andy Carroll. The closest they should get to international football is a coach trip to Wembley with their respective working men’s clubs. To have to pick james Milner to protect Glenn Johnson is akin to wearing socks over your loafers to protect your feet from molten lava.
Of course the pivotal moment according to the press is the Pirlo “pancake day” penalty… apparently sowing the seed of doubt in Young’s mind who subsequently tried the “Stevan Kuntz” method. For me the strange substitutions were the defining factor, taking off Welbeck when Rooney was having little or no impact was curious, replacing him with Carroll who DOESNT have a good touch for a big man was weirder.
Germany 4 – Greece 2
I was so pleased to see the Greeks score, it saved all the “couldn’t buy a goal” and “a spent attacking force” headlines. The battle was won in midfield, Foetal lizard man Ozil keeping his eyes open at all times (like he had a choice) and finding gaps aplenty in the normally skinflint Greek defence. Ultimately the Greeks should reflect positively in the tournament, qualifying at the expense of the dark horses Russia and the co-hosts Poland.
ROLL ON THE SEMIS!