Deadline day has now become an institution in the football calendar. This season, our own sheep herder Mr Young followed the drama from the early hours to the final seconds. Here is his timeline of events.
05:30 Transfer deadline day hits a snag as Sky Sports (official partner of the transfer day) can’t locate Jimmy Deadline White.
05:58 White has been found in the doorway of a large shop in Ealing, clearly under the influence of alcohol and ketamine and it is believed he had scrawled ‘It’s my big day, NOT YOURS’ under the poster in the shop window which promoted a one day only sale.
6:11 Sandra Redknapp starts her daily face manipulation programme on ‘Arry. Ever since his face was removed after a heavy poker loss and replaced with a melted welly he has needed 35 minutes of invigorating finger massage before he can leave the house.
6:19 Ed Woodward leaves the shower on urgent transfer business.
6:21 Peter Odemwingie spotted in BP garage buying armfuls of maps
6:47 ‘Arry Redknapp launches a double swoop for Adebayor and Assou-Ekotto. Daniel Levy ejaculates.
7:56 Everton are apparently keen on taking Zaha on loan. Ed Woodward leaves the kitchen on urgent transfer business.
8:42 Big Sam attempts to push through a loan for Fabio Quagliarella. On hearing the news from his agent Quagliarella announces he is retiring with immediate effect and as a precaution cuts off his own left foot with a teaspoon.
9:53 Everton are understood to be offering £10m for James McCarthy. Wigan have described the offer as “Repulsive, repugnant, piss, sh*t and minge”.
9:55 Bendtner is an option for Crystal Palace but he there is confusion over his wage demands. After getting confirmation that the Danish wizard was asking for £52,000 PER WEEK Ian Holloway announced “I can’t pay the lad that much, it would be like touching a tall girls boobs through her cardie and asking if you can go round her back door”
10:11 Apparently United are now in for Ozil as well, Ed Woodward leaves his membership of the RAC on urgent transfer business.
10:23 Real Madrid’s club doctor Carlos Diez proclaims Gareth Bale fully fit. Bale files a law suit against Diez for mentioning the word ‘Heart’ without prior agreement.
10:50 United announce they rejected the chance to sign Mesut Ozil
10:53 Mila Kunis’ agent rings Ed Woodward and informs him that Miss Kunis would like to meet him for full sex and extras. Woodward rejects the offer and instead asks his receptionist to find a sex worker with impetigo that will offer 30 days credit.
10:57 Manchester City announces the signing of Martin Demichelis. Normally this would be the signal for some mocking but it’s a player and he has signed.
11:11 Liverpool announces the loan signing of Victor Moses. Thousands of scousers put down their remote controls and rejoice the second coming of the holy one. Ian Ayre is forced to announce on BBC Scouse that is Victor Moses the former Wigan player and not the former miracle worker from the days of yore.
11:26 Hull and West Brom enquire about Victor Anichebe from Everton. HONESTLY. That is an entirely sensible and serious report of something that actually happened.
11:39 Dave Whelan says negotiation with Everton over James McCarthy is ongoing. He also mentions the word ‘limb’… All reporters leave the room.
11:51 Bale is about to be unveiled to the Madrid public, Ronaldo is found weeping into a glass of his own semen.
12:01 DONE DEAL. Crystal Palace sign Jack Hunt thus guaranteeing at least 5 FA disciplinary meetings for Holloway this season.
12:29 Fabio Borini is heading to Sunderland on loan apparently leaving Liverpool a striker down. Thorough searches couldn’t identify any other Liverpool players leaving though….
13:01 Birmingham Mail suggests Odemwingie is on the verge of signing for Cardiff, Swansea, Bridgend, Flexys Cefn Druids and/or Airbus FC.
14:13 West Ham now interested in Demba Ba. Quagliarella books himself in for surgery and renounces his retirement.
14:22 Guillem Balague launches his first untruth of the day, claiming United are going to pay cash for Herrera.
15:04 Bale is presented to the Spanish media and fans. Within an hour all of them are arrested under copyright infringement. Ronaldo is caught on camera at Madrid Zoo offering a tiger €100,000 to kill Bale.
16:03 Dave Whelan is bidding like a remedial, offering well below 2 players valuations and in between times declaring any offers for his players to be derisory, insulting and causing him great pain in his leg. Ed Woodward sets his sat nav for the DW stadium.
16:11 PSG are now battling Liverpool (Yes, LIVERPOOL) for Juan Mata. If Chelsea agree Juan faces a tough choice. Europa league and weekday mornings looking at Luis Suarez or the Champs Elysee, Kronenbourg and coq au vin.
17:38 The Daily Mirror proclaim “Jim White’o’clock” is approaching. All of their editorial staff are chased down by an angry mob of proper journalists and beaten with typewriters.
17:50 Potential Fellaini replacement Fernando posts on Instagram telling the Porto fans to count on him. Ed Woodward applies for vacant position at Aberdeen lighthouse.
18:28 Stoke sign Steven Ireland. Mark Hughes becomes the new favourite to be the first Premier league manager to be eaten by his own fans.
19:16 Jamie Redknapp tells SSN that his dad is chasing Niko Krancjar. A team of appropriate adults sit Redknapp down and begin to try and explain to the ditherer that it isn’t 2009.
19:18 Not content with already being crowned champion of the transfer window (in association with Sky Sports news) 2013 Daniel Levy is trying to swap Adebayor for Torres.
19:20 America make an undisclosed offer for Daniel Levy.
19:28 Spanish Press announce Herrera has agreed a 5 year deal with United. At exactly the same time Balague tweets that Herrera was actually born a woman and is convinced she will fail the medical.
19:33 West Bromwich Albion are actively trying to sign Victor Anichebe. To play football for them. And they are planning to pay him each week. With money.
19:34 West Brom have made an offer for Quagliarella. The big Italian cancels his planned reconstructive surgery and changes his name to Susan Breastpocket.
19:52 Ed Woodward launches another bid for Fellaini. This time the canny executive is proposing to pay Everton in used mobile phones. The offer is a complex mixture of Iphone 3g’s and Blackberry tablets.
19:54 Everton are trying to sign Lukaku on loan, thus allowing Anichebe to leave. The head of Sports science at Birmingham University, Simon Sportsscience, comments that replacing Anichebe with Lukaku is almost exactly the same as replacing Genital warts with a speedboat.
20:07 Fellaini finally hands in a transfer request meaning his deal could now accelerate. Ed Woodard leaves his office on urgent Pizza delivery business. As soon as he leaves the office the cleaner faxes Madrid offering €40m for Khedira or Alonso or Ozil or Illaramendi or Coentrao or that new Welsh lad, the one that does the heart signs.
20:08 Gareth Bale files a law suit against the cleaner for mentioning his trademark.
20:30 Fellaini HAS handed in a transfer request.
20:48 Lukaku to Everton is almost done, the EFC officials are just waiting for Jeremy Beadle to jump out a cake and shout “Watch out, Beadles about”. Then they remember he is dead. And smile.
20:50 Chelsea announce BA is going nowhere, the striker cancels his flight to Dagestan but keeps the dresses.
21:41 Wigan announces the loan signing of Nick Powell. Whelan reveals that Ed Woodward rang him right at the last minute and offered Powell on a permanent deal for free. He added that Woodward also tried to sell him PPI but seemed unable to explain it fully.
21:52 Bebe has joined Pacos de Ferreira on loan. PDF as they known in Portugal are a soft drinks company specialising in cloudy lemonade. It is hoped Bebe will quickly rise to the challenge of shrink wrapping the pallets.
22:07 Herrera deal is off. Apparently United won’t pay the full value of the buyout clause. Within the minute Balague has tweeted that Herrera is at Old Trafford and will be announced as the face of United’s new Asian sex change partner “Fannies for boys”.
22:24 DONE DEAL. Mesut Ozil has joined Arsenal for £42m and Wenger’s long wait for a steely midfielder with brawn to compliment his team mates brains is over. Oh……
22:26 DONE DEAL. West Brom confirm Sessegnon. Baggies fans celebrate wildly hoping to goodness that the Anichebe rumours were just that.
22:47 United confirm they pulled the Herrera deal. Ed Woodward had informed Bilbao that he was prepared to pay the buy out clause but reneged on this when it was explained to him that cash was the only suitable method of payment. The United representatives dutifully packed up their consignment of Branston baked beans and left the offices.
22:51 Lukaku has signed for Everton. The fans are jubilant. A moment later the wind is completely taken out of their sails with the news that Barry Gareth has also joined. Every silver lining has a cloud……
23:11 QPR announce the signing of Assou-Ekotto. Levy is installed as the bookies favourite as the favourite to take over from Ban Ki Moon.
23:17 Apparently United have signed Coentrao on loan from Madrid. Astounding.
23:19 ‘Arry Redknapp is being interviewed from his car window but the poor chap has had a long day and his melted welly is in need of some serious manipulation. Back in the studio Jim White vomits.
23:21 Andy Johnson is the new Odemwingie, turning up at a stadium when the window has closed. Apparently Johnson left home a bit too late as he was catching up on old episodes of the Camomile lawn. Embarrassingly he still has Kleenex stuck to his trousers.
23:39 Crystal Palace has trumped West Bromwich Albion by signing a bigger donkey than Anichebe. Cameron Jerome has agreed a loan deal with the eagles. 37 Palace fans break into Selhurst Park to protest and are pecked to death by the club mascot.
0:04 DONE DEAL. Fellaini has joined Manchester United. Ed Woodward leaves the club and returns to his old job as a fluffer for snuff films.
0:06 DONE DEAL. James McCarthy has joined Everton. Whelan describes the deal as “like having a broken leg in a showpiece match at the national stadium”
0:16 Doubts about the validity of Coentraoa’s transfer to United. Ed Woodward has the last laugh, despite being forced to deep throat an escaped jewel thief on his first assignment in his new role.