The week at United: Falcao, Depay, transfer links & choosing your own personal MRI machine

Even though I was most definitely ready for United’s season to end sometime in the week before the Arsenal home game I still expected to experience that familiar post-season, no football blues. But I’ve got to tell you funky chickens that it hasn’t happened at all. In fairness that’s probably because football hasn’t actually stopped at all, what with internationals and cup finals. Just how good was the Champions League final? And how far behind that standard are United? Lots is the answer you’re looking for. I’ve also got unusually invested in the Copa America, possibly as a result of my quest to prove to everyone I converse with on a daily basis, in the flesh or online, that Radamel Falcao is a totally busted flush. 99.9% of my mind is utterly secure in the knowledge that the hardworking, amiable shambles of a footballer we witnessed at United last season cannot possibly come good at Chelsea, as much as a certain bald journalist claims he will from deep inside Jose Mourinho’s rectal passage. Colombia’s defeat against Venezuela did nothing to dissuade me that I’m right, as our man was marked out of the game by a chap from the Thai League. Also strangely poor was Juan Cuadrado of Mourinho’s Chelsea. One wonders what his manager must have done to sap his confidence so, eh baldy?

What with the European Under-21 Championship from the Czech Republic coming up too it’s still going to possible to p*ss off my other half almost every day, as usual. And thank f*ck for all of these distractions because nothing of much interest at all is happening at United. This week we saw the presentation of Memphis Depay, a signing agreed long enough ago that most forgot that the pictures of him with his choice of MRI machine and reasonably priced Chevrolet still had to happen. Memphis had a tough upbringing and used to be something of a wild child before football took hold and made him tattoo his whole body and cultured his inordinate self-confidence. Fortunately the latter is a rather desirable trait in extremely gifted footballers. There can be no streaky form due to mental issues, because they transcend confidence. United miss players like that, since Ronaldo poddled off to Real and won less than he did in Manchester. Anyway, Memphis looks a right specimen of a young adult and, despite his difficult childhood, rebelliousness and failure to apply himself in school can still speak far better English than 99.9% of the population of England can speak a second language. In fact, he can speak far better English than a good proportion of the population of England can speak English. Bravo young man. All in all I’m excited by him, even though he’s not a centre back, right back, midfielder or centre forward.

Speaking of which, United’s transfer trail seems to have gone extremely cold. Since the Moyes era of ultimate leakiness the club seem to have instigated a very effective ‘closed shop’ policy. No one has a f*cking clue who they’re trying to sign, which is as it should be, even though as a transfer fanboi the smell of the chase is entertainment in itself. The downside of no one having the foggiest what’s going on, as well as being a club with oodles of wonga and in desperate need of upgrades is that the whole footballing world is now using United for their own evil ends. Whether it be clubs, agents or players, seemingly every one of them in the known universe has jumped aboard the gravy train. It’s even got to the point where almost totally unknown Brazillian midfielders are getting new contracts out of it. Not much will change until Ed Woodward breaks out the new MRI machine, to replace the one which Memphis picked to take home, and starts giving players medicals. Not personally, obviously. He doesn’t have those skills, although what professional qualifications do you need to have to cup a man’s testicles in the palm of your hands and ask them to cough. For those too young to comprehend, this really used to happen to teenage boys at school. It was basically the only test done in compulsory medicals. With hindsight that was all a bit Yewtree wasn’t it?

But back to the transfers. This week United are supposedly signing Nicholas Gaitan, Nicolas Otamendi, Roberto Firmino, Harry Kane, Hugo Lloris, Jesper Cillesson, Gregory Van der Wiel, Matts Hummels (again!), Ilkay Gundogan, Morgan Schneiderlin, Rodrigo Dourado (The next Carrick), Bernard Mensah (also the next Carrick) and a host of others my child-mind can’t recall. Mensah, is an interesting one, should it happen. Jorge Mendes owns 35% of the player. Relations between United and Mendes can’t be great now, with two of his clients trying to force their way out of the club and a third, who he wanted to stay, having been pushed out of the door. Woodward seems to rather value his cosy relationship with the Portuguese and a deal for Mensah might solidify that in a not at all like Bebe manner. I repeat, that would be a transfer totally unlike the utterly bent deal for Bebe. Completely different. Not the same at all. No Siree Bob.

Javier Hernandez and Nani are back at United, which is nice, and they and none of the rest of the dross are yet to be standing close to the door marked “f*ck off”, where United suspend their loyalty to sh*t players, the same loyalty that we as fans demand of the good players. Comprendé? Bad player: f*ck off. Good player: don’t you dare try to f*ck off. Confusing much?

One of those who has transitioned from good player who’d better not try to f*ck off to bad player who should immediately f*ck off is Robin Van Persie, who enjoyed a quiet family holiday in Rome, pretending not to explore his exit options. Lazio ruled themselves out of a transfer due to his wages, a familiar problem with players we’d rather like to leave United. Good luck trying to find a club who’ll pay all or most of the rapidly declining player’s £250k per week wages Ed. “Robin lad, as we push you out of the ‘f*ck off’ door would you mind giving up all of the money we’re due to pay you and go and play elsewhere for far less buttons fam? And can you take Jonny Evans with you?”

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, it still looks like David Please Don’t Go De Gea is intent on going (looks at picture of Edurne, sympathises). With Petr Cech seemingly set to join Arsenal and with United surely not overly excited by the prospect of another transfer Somme with Daniel Levy over Hugo Lloris, it looks like the club will be going with a Steady Eddie, or Steady Asmir, or Steady Tim, or Steady Jesper. Not ideal, but with a proper defence, midfield and strikers ahead of them De Gea’s loss shouldn’t be as painful as it would be were we entering a new season with the current squad. Just 5 or 6 transfer deals to do. What could possibly go wrong? We were told that United would like them all in by pre-season, which isn’t that far away. But there is no cause for panic yet. I’m saving that for July 1st…..

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